Some of Our Favorite Jokes
Here are the latest jokes from the humor file:
Send us your favorite and we'll include it and give you credit.
The Joke of the Month
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer and, while he's pouring it, the bartender asks: "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin' on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin' out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Sent to us by Jeff Peo
And recently we heard that our normally brave and selfless U. S. Coast Guard refused to come to the aid of a hippy.
He was just too far out!
A wealthy business man and his wife were having dinner in the restaurant of a very exclusive resort in the Bahamas. The man got up to visit the bathroom and on his way back he received a very passionate embrace from a beautiful blond. His wife noticed this and when he sat down, she asked, "Who was that?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."
"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."
"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."
As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"
"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.
She said, "Ours is cuter."
There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Interstate. Be careful!"
He said, "Hell, there's hundreds of them!"
The kid who was auditioning had some early experience with show business.
His dad was a magician and used to saw people in half.
I asked him if he had any siblings, and he said,
"Yeah, I've got a half brother and a half sister."
I overheard a conversation between a Vermont farmer and a Texas rancher.
As you can imagine, the Texas rancher was very effusive and proud of his large holdings.
"Why my ranch is so big, it takes me all day to drive across it in my truck."
"A-yup," said the Vermont farmer, "I used to have a truck like that."
Here are some gems from Henny Youngman:
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I got up and let her out.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a beautiful restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
And a couple from W.C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
The Old Man
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
And from Rodney Dangerfield:
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
And Groucho Marx:
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend,
inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
The character, Danny Murrow who is the hero of my recording project called "The Man," had a colorful way of speaking. He could be heard to say things like:
"Where there's double entendre, it can only mean one thing!"
One of my favorite stories is the one about a woman in our town who is referred to a dentist, and as far as she knows he's someone she has never met. But his name on the diploma on the wall of the waiting room is that same as a fellow she went to high school with. And she's begins to wonder if this might be her friend.
But as she's ushered into his inner office, it's clear that this man is much too old to have been in her high school class.
But as they are chating, just informal small talk, she feels that there's something familiar about him, and she just has to come right and ask him.
"Did you grow up around here?" "Oh yes," he said, "Sure I've lived here all my life, graduated from the local high school in such and such . . ."
"Well you were in my class," she exclaimed.
"Really," he hesitates, "What did you teach?"
And these from Steven Wright:
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
We knew this group of young musicians who were getting quite good. They were determined move into the big time. But they had one problem. It was the drummer. He was a sweet kid, nice looking, good harmony singer, but he just had this one issue, a time problem.
Oh, it wasnt' that he would rush the beat, that would be bad enough, but no, he would lose time. Just the slightest little bit, but it would drag down the energy of the song and would lose ruin their best arrangements.
Well they tried everything, they got him a metronome, encouraged him to take lessons, but nothing seemed to work. Finally they decided they just had to let him go.
But they were worried, he was such a sensitive young guy, and they were frightened that he might do something drastic.
Sure enough, one dark night, he threw himself behind a train.
An elderly woman came to church one Sunday morning and the usher went up to her and asked her if he could direct her to a seat, perhaps she would like to sit closer to the front of the congregation.
She said, "Oh, I want to sit right in the front! I understand the agnostics in this place are terrible!"
We decided that we didn't want to have childred, but we waited until dinner time to tell them.
I made a joke about someday being as wealthy as Mark Zuckerberg.
My wife laughed, I laughed, then Alexa laughed and then Siri laughed. Then Zuckerberg laughed.
Musicians live on pretty tight budgets mostly, but besides banjo players, the guy who really suffers is the bagpiper. Much of the time they get the call to play for a memorial, and even that is rare enough.
One fellow was hired to play for the burial of a homeless man, not much money, but welcome work.
Awkwardly he got lost on the way and showed up very late. Everyone had gone except for two guys with shovels ready to shovel in a mound of dirt.
Our friend felt terrible about it, but decided that the departed still deserved to be played for. After all, someone had cared about him, didn't he have a mother? etc.
As he began to play "Amazing Grace" suddenly a great emotion came into his playing. He played like he had never played before. When he finished he was drenched with perspiration and tears streamed down his face.
He looked over at the two men with the shovels, and tears were streaming down their faces as well.
"Damn," said one of them. "I never heard anything like that in my whole life, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"
Only actors have it worse. They have to wait by the phone for the call to audition. Our friend was a fine actor, but getting a little older, not getting the romantic lead roles, mostly character parts.
Still, when he got the call, he was anxious to show what he could do.
The part was small, but if he did well, it could mean a place with a serious repertory company.
As a trial they gave him just one line, but it was a strong, dramatic line. The line was, "Hark, I hear the sound of cannon fire!"
He rehearsed his one line that it was the key to getting back into the limelight. He drew on his Stanislovskian training, his inner child, all the resources of a lifetime on the stage.
Came the big night, they had dressed him in a shinking suit of armor, he stepped out onto the stage in a brilliant light, just then a loud BOOM!
He blurted out, "What the hell was that!"
From Doug Bryson
Ray Millar sent us these two from across the Atlantic:
1. A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay and buy lots and lots of drinks."
"Oh yeah," says the landlord. "How are you going to do that?"
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
"That's incredible!"says the landlord. "Have you got anything else?"
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and the parrot.
The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?"he asks.
The man shakes his head, "No." "Will you sell me just one then?" asks the bartender.
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100," the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money.
Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100."
"No I'm not," the man replies. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
2. A guy was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel and he was very upset.
He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said:
"I appear to have killed your cockerel. I would like to replace him."
And she said "Please yourself, the hens are round the back."
Somebody stole the preacher's bicycle. He was quite mad that anyone would do such a thing.He thought to himself, "What's this world coming to?"
He decided that the next Sunday he would try to set the congregation straight on the whole topic of sinning.
He stood at the podium and began to deliver a fiery sermon on the ten commandments, but when he got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery,"
He remembered where he left his bicycle.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
There's a difference between being kinky and being perverted.
Kinky is when you use a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
This one is from Charlie Hall.
A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"Firstly, there's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
When Charlie, who had been an elevator repairman in life arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter looked on the master list and when he failed to find Charlie listed said he must go to the place below.
Upon arriving in Hell, Charlie felt immediately that something was wrong. He protested to the Devil that it was too hot and didn't smell that good besides. The Devil laughed, "It's Hell."
Charlie told the Devil that he had been a pretty good engineer in life and that he would see what he could do about the situation. Before long he had the air conditioning working and it was a comfortable 73 degrees. He also got the plumbing in good working order and things were quite a bit nicer all around.
Saint Peter called the Devil and said, "Hey, that Charlie belongs up here. He's a saint, and we need him." "No way, said the Devil, he's too useful down here." Saint Peter replied, "If you don't send him up here, we'll sue." "Ha," Said the Devil, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
The elderly Scottish Laird lay near death and called his faithful manservant to his bedside to hear his final request.
"Hamish," he said, "When I'm gone I want you to take that bottle of single malt Scottish whiskey that's been in the family for thirty years and pour it over my grave."
"Certainly Sir," replied the servant in his thick brogue, "But do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys furst?"
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
"Fireman, Fireman, my house is burning down!" "Hold on lady, just be calm and tell us how to get there." (long pause) "Don't you still have that little red truck?"
Dyslexics have a lot more nuf.
So, this guy shows up at a very exclusive party. The butler says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't admit you without a tie." So he goes back to his car and searches the whole car for a tie. Of course he doesn't have one, but in the trunk finds his jumper cables. So he thinks to himself, "Well, it's worth a try". So he tucks the cables down in his back pocket and brings part of them up and makes this cute little bow tie type of a thing, and goes back to the party. When the butler opened the door he said, "What do you think, can I come in?". The butler says, "Well, all right, you can come in, but DON'T START ANYTHING."
It seems that researchers have begun using lawyers for their experiments instead of rats. There are three good reasons for this. First, there are so many of them. Second, the researchers don't get nearly so attached to them. And third, the lawyers can be trained to do things that a rat just won't do.
Did you hear about the Zen master who said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
Gary North added the following thought:
The hot dog vendor hands him one with everything. The Zen master hands him a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor pockets it.
"What about my change?" asked the Zen master.
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes only from within."
Joe Lamay has written the one about the Zen master who told his dentist, "No novacaine for me, I transcend dental medication."
There is a family story about my grandfather, Tom Hughes who went to France in World War One. He had a date with a young French woman and since he didn't speak much French there were some awkward moments.
The next day he was trying to tell his buddies about it. They wanted to know when he was going to see her again and he said he wasn't sure. It was either "apres de la guerre," or "pres de la gare." (After the war or by the train station)
Last time I went to Germany, I stayed with my friend Hansjorg Malonek in Villingen. I went out for a walk in the morning and stopped at the corner to get my bearings.
I memorized the street signs so that I could find my way back. I remember I was at the corner of Einbahnstrasse and Umleitung, which turned out to be the corner of "one way" and "on ramp."
A fish and game warden caught a man shooting at loons. He arrested him on the spot and took him right to town and brought him up before the judge. The judge said, "This is terrible, these birds are endangered, I've got a good mind to throw the book at you." "You're right, your honor, I have no excuse, it's just that they taste so good I couldn't help myself."
"That certainly is no excuse, I would think you'd have better sense than to break the law and risk jail just because loons taste good." "That's true, your honor but they really are delicious."
"Well, not that I would ever want to eat one, but just out of curiosity what does a loon taste like?" "Well, your honor, half way between a blue heron and a bald eagle!"
Then there was the dyslexic highway patrolman who was looking for IUDs
What did Dan Quayle think about Rowe versus Wade? He thought they were two possible ways to get across the Potomac.
Art Thieme works during the summer as a tour guide/musician on a Mississippi paddle wheeler. He points out areas of interest along the river, and on the trip we took with him, he remarked on the fact that there are 30 or so locks along the river, and that certain birds like to collect the moss that grows by these locks to make their nests. He says, "We call them the "lock moss nesters.""
Did you hear about the gang of terrorists that hijacked a busload of banjo players and threatened to release one an hour until their demands were met?
What do you get when you throw a piano down an open mine shaft?
A flat miner.
I love cooking with wine!
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtle's back?
A team of psychologists decided to conduct a study to see if pets really did imitate the personalities of their masters. They created an experiment where they tested the dogs that belonged to a famous architect, an eminent biologist, and a well known rock star.
The first dog was placed in a room with one hundred dog bones. To their surprise she arranged the bones to make a perfectly constructed suspension bridge. The doctors knew they were on to something and were anxious to see what the scientists dog would do. She amazed them even further by placing the bones in the shape of the double helix of the DNA molecule.
The doctors were beside themselves with excitement but before publishing their results they decided to see what the musician's dog would do. To their dismay, he showed up late, ate all the bones, made a pass at the other two dogs and went home early.
Our friend Paul Lewis was in Norway one spring and asked of one of the local's, "Does it rain every day?". The Norwegian replied, "I don't know, I'm only 35."
Right after World War II there was a shortage of hotel rooms in New York. After checking out, a man realized that he had left his umbrella in his room and went right back up to get it. As he reached the door he heard voices coming from inside. He peered through the keyhole and realized that the room had already been rented to someone.
It turned out to be a young couple on their honeymoon. The woman was sitting on the man's lap and he was saying. "...and whose pretty little eyes are those?", "Yours, all yours," she would say. "...and whose pretty little nose is that", "Yours, all yours", and so on. After a little while, the man just couldn't stand it any more and he shouted out, "When you get to the umbrella, it mine, all mine!"
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
What was the result of the collision between the mafia limousine and the cement truck?
Once in a noisy Nashville nightspot a man came up to our friend Charles John Quarto after he had just finished performing. The man wanted his autograph so Charles suggested they go out to the front of the club where it wasn't so loud and the light was better. "Now", he said as he was poised to write, "What's your name?", No, the guy said, "I want YOUR autograph."
There were two nuns on their way to town when they ran out of gas on a lonely road. One nun volunteered to walk to the nearest gas station but they had no gas can. In the trunk, however they found an old chamber pot and, as it turned out this was adequate to carry a gallon of gas.
The one nun had carefully made the two mile trek from the gas station and had just begun pouring the gas into the tank when a Methodist minister drove by. He said, well, ladies, I don't agree with your religion, but I do admire your faith!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.
Two inexperienced hunters were driving into the forest and saw a sign that said "Bear Left."
So they went home.
A very wealthy man wanted to be buried with his money. He knew that his family wouldn't honor his wishes, so he asked his three best friends, a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer, to make sure that his wishes were carried out when he died. He gave them each a packet with $1,000,000, to be thrown into his coffin as they passed by. Sure enough the day came, and at the funeral, the 3 men each threw something into the coffin.
At the wake, the men found themselves huddled together. The doctor said, "I've just got to get something off my chest. I only threw $750,000 into the coffin -- we needed some money for the new wing of the children's hospital, and I couldn't see the point in not making good use of the money..."
The priest said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that. I myself only put in $500,000. The rest went to the orphanage that so badly needed a new building..." The lawyer looked at the other two in disgust. "Why, I'm ashamed of both of you! I put in my personal check for one million dollars!"
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
So this farmer was seen holding a pig up to an apple tree, and letting the pig eat apples right off the branch. A passerby looked at this and just couldn't contain his curiosity. "You know, you could save a lot of time if you just put the pig down and let him eat off the ground!" The farmer turned around slowly and responded, "What's time to a pig?"
A man noticed a farmer walking with three-legged pig on a leash. It looked very odd. He said, "Farmer, why are you walking a three-legged pig?"
"Why, stranger, this is no ordinary pig," the farmer replied. "One night our barn caught on fire, and before my wife and I even woke up, the pig had called the fire department, and herded all the other animals out of the barn. The next week, a burglar got into the house, and the pig had him tied up and the police were on their way before I even realized what had happened. Then just last week, I fell into the duck pond and was like to drown, except this pig jumped in and pulled me out. Like I say, this is no ordinary pig."
"Well, that truly is a remarkable pig. But tell me, how did he come to have only three legs?" "Are you kidding? A pig this good, you don't eat all at once."
What goes, "Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?"
An Amish drive by shooting.
The 80-year-old man complained to his doctor that his sex life seemed to be slowing down. The doctor said, "Well at your age you should probably expect some diminishing of your sex drive...when did you first notice this as a problem?" "Oh, last night and then again this morning."
When the newly shot-down pilot was thrown into the crowded barracks with the other prisoners of war he was surprised to find that all the rest of them had been there so long that they had started giving numbers to all the old jokes and just shouting out the number without telling the whole long story. One guy would shout out, "Number 31" and everyone would howl with laughter. "That's a good one, someone would say."
But when one fellow called out "26!" hardly anyone laughed. The new guy said, what gives, why didn't anybody laugh?. Well, said one old timer, some guys just can't tell a joke."
Serious flooding was threatening a few homes by the river bank. The officer drove up to tell the old parishioner that it was time to evacuate and he needed to gather his belongings before he was cut off by the rising water. He declined to leave saying that he had been there seventy years and his Lord hadn't let him down yet and he was sure He wouldn't let him down now.
When the waters reached the mid level of the first floor rescuers in a boat came by to pick up the old man. "No, I'm not leaving", he yelled from the second floor. "I know my Lord won't let me drown."
When he had retreated to the roof and it was almost dark a helicopter came over and dropped a rope. He waved them away and shouted after them that his faith would see him through. Unfortunately, he was drowned.
When he got up to heaven he complained to his maker that He had let him down. "What do you mean", said the heavenly Father, "I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter!"
I was interested to read in Mark Twain's autobiography that he had been to Vermont. He wrote that he performed his monologues for a Vermont audience and began with his very snappiest and funniest lines. He was horrified when no one laughed. He struggled through the first half of his performance and went outside for a cigar.
He heard a couple of the locals talking just around the corner so he leaned closer to hear what they were saying. "How 'bout this Mark Twain fellah, he's pretty funny, huh?" "Funny," said the other, "it was all I could do to keep from laughing.
What is the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Throwing a banjo into the toilet without hitting the rim.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer is, "That's not funny."
The bassoon is an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denominations?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked ashen they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"Especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1 !"
Then there's the one is about the guy who bought a Maseratti and decided to be safe he would have it blessed by the priest. He went into the confessional booth to ask the priest for a blessing and the priest said, "What's a Maseratti?" So he went to the temple to ask the rabbi for the blessing and same thing, the rabbi said, "What's a Maseratti?"
He was driving home and happened to drive by the Unitarian church. Just as he pulled over a woman came out and said, "What a beautiful Maseratti!" He asked her if the Unitarian church would give him a blessing for his car and she said, "What's a blessing?"
And this one from Delbert Kauffman
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"